Catch-All for Milla

[specialdog]

Comments

[tothemaxwell]

That... anger. Frustration. The crying out, in your head.

This whole week has been very exhausting, in a way. Do you live like that all the time?

[specialdog]

[ ... Hm. Well, there's really no denying it, but... ]

... Yeah?

[tothemaxwell]

Does it not grate at you? What is causing it?

[She seems... contemplative. Worried. And it's the same through her own emotions.

And the worry is for Akane.]

[specialdog]

[ W... Worry? What the fuck?

Akane openly reacts to it with confusion, like she's just totally baffled that someone would worry about her. Especially over such ugly feelings. ]

... I'm just having a bad week.

[ ... I mean, sure, but... ]

It's fine. I can handle it.

[tothemaxwell]

You certainly can—and have shown yourself to handle it without issue.

That is precisely why I do not believe you when you say you are simply "having a bad week".

How long have you felt this way? It must be awful for you, Akane.

You bear it all with a smile.

[specialdog]

[ Bear it...? Bear it...? Awful for her... Hm. Hmm. ]

It's...

[ God it's hard for her to wrap her head around Milla's concern. It's natural that people should feel concern for her--she's used to everyone loving her and caring about her. That's been the default for a long time now. But not here. ]

I always feel this way.

[tothemaxwell]

Always? Goodness, Akane.

Why?

What fuels it?

[The concern is certainly growing—and there's more behind it. A ticking thoughtfulness, a interest in understanding, in helping.]

[specialdog]

[ It's scary to have someone know how you're feeling. And she wants the sympathy, she wants to be understood and she doesn't want people to be angry at her like they always are, but it's scary, and it only gets more overwhelming with Milla being so sincere about it. ]

--It's just scary!

[ Oops, that came out... Abrupt. ]

[tothemaxwell]

...Yes, it seems to be. I can't imagine anyone who wouldn't feel the same, considering what you must be facing.

[Her tone is soft, almost quiet.]

But perhaps we can speak about it. Together, it may seem a little less frightening.

[specialdog]

I don't want to talk about it.

[ She doesn't want Milla to feel it, but that's not going to happen, is it? ]

[tothemaxwell]

[There's a flash of disappointment, but not for long. Mostly, it's just that same worry.]

I will not force you, Akane. But I am aware of it, now—and I will not forget it, even if it passes.

Will you at least give me some insight as to why?

[specialdog]

[ Akane is doing a better job of steeling herself, now. At least, expression-wise.

Her feelings are dulling, evening out, but it seems more through the effort of holding them back than them actually calming down. ]

There's no insight I can give you. I shouldn't have to explain why a place like this is scary.

[ Because people are dying all the time would be the logical conclusion. It's not necessarily the truth behind Akane's fears and frustrations, but she's fine leading Milla to that, instead. ]

[tothemaxwell]

[YIKES

The repression is actively worse, and palpable. The worry, concern, flows like water sloshing out of a bucket, tap still on.]

That's...

[Not what this is. Definitely not. Where was the fear when she spoke to Shirasu? Why was there rage instead when he struck during the trial?

But that's all Akane wants it to be between them.]

I see.

[specialdog]

[ Akane has taught herself to jump straight past fear to anger. ]

Everyone is getting killed. It's scary. It's infuriating. Anyone would be upset.

[tothemaxwell]

Yes, of course.

[Anyone would be. Except Akane, who marched straight to a killer, and had a conversation with him. Akane, who implied that she was on his side nonetheless. Akane, who didn't so much as twitch a muscle at the implication of Shirasu "picking" Akane as his new partner instead—and whose death that would result in.

But never fear.

Not even once.

Milla has never once attempted to hide her emotions—and the doubt writ large is no exception. Still, there is the worry, a constant head-shaking concern in the background.]

And you are upset.

[But somehow, it wasn't about what was happening here.]

[specialdog]

[ Akane just stares at Milla evenly, not adding any more.

There's no use trying to justify her feelings. And isn't that a reason for hopelessness in itself? What good would it do to try and defend herself? Who's mind could she change with words? ]

[tothemaxwell]

[There's a pause, and Milla closes her eyes.]

In your own time.

[If ever. But there was little point to pushing, for the moment.

Reopening her eyes, she nods, and shifts her weight.]

And I will hear you whenever you need me to, without judgement.

[specialdog]

[ Behind her walls, there's a burst of irritation and disbelief.

Without judgment? That's impossible. No one can be like that. Akane is too caught up in her emotional reactions to thing--and her awareness of those reactions, so she doesn't even think to reply verbally. ]

[tothemaxwell]

[...

She exhales, and shakes her head.]

You don't have to believe me, Akane.

But I will stay by your side regardless.

[specialdog]

Why?

Just because this messed up world made me your partner?

[tothemaxwell]

Certainly, there is an element of happenstance to it, and partnership.

But why shouldn't I value your existence as a living person here, regardless of that?

[specialdog]

Why should you?

[ Uhh, wait, what is she even arguing, here? Akane???? ]

[tothemaxwell]

[fryeyes.jpg]

Why should I?

[She repeats the question back.]

Are you arguing against your own worth?

[specialdog]

No.

No, but... I'm not in control, here. I can't just change your settings to make you like me.

[ So why does anyone...? ]

[tothemaxwell]

[That gives her pause.

...]

No. You can't.

But perhaps consider the following: even without manipulation, I will work to protect you, as I told you from the start.